The Secret Ingredients

It seems that in love and lasting partnerships there are two important (and obvious if you think about it, but sometimes difficult to achieve in one person) things: chemistry and friendship. Both ebb and flow a bunch in long term relationships but are essential for a solid foundation. This is continually emphasized the more time I spend with people talking about their relationships (good and bad) and working with couples. It seems that if one looms far larger than the other from the start there’s usually trouble. Both of those things put into practice fulfill some of our most intimate and important needs: intimacy and interest. Its compelling to get into a relationship with someone you’re incredibly attracted to, but if they cannot be kind and supportive of you (and vice versa) it can feel empty during the daylight hours. It can also be tempting to settle down with a friend, even with little sexual chemistry for safety/cozy/easy reasons but the tendency to get bored and seek excitement outside will likely become difficult to combat as time goes on. Either way, lack of one can send people on a course for difficulty/dishonesty/unkindness/discomfort through very little fault of their own. Not that I am advocating for anything less than loads of personal responsibility, but I do think we inadvertently put ourselves in a position to be hurt or hurt others as a result of settling in one way or the other.

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